Why I Am Actually a Dwarf

If you’ve read anything I’ve written on here, it should be fairly obvious that I love Tolkien’s works and Middle-earth in general. And I have loved elves for as long as I can remember. They are elegant, graceful, tall, and beautiful, and I have wanted to be one my entire. I even bought metal elf ears at a fair! But the older I get, the more I realize that I could not be any farther from being an elf. In fact, I believe I am actually a dwarf. Thanks to an amazing gaming session over the weekend and throughout this week, playing Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance 2 with a dear friend on my old school PS2, I have discovered that I have more in common with dwarves than elves, and here’s why.

I’m short yet strong.

So according to the Tolkien Gateway, dwarves are between 4.5 and 5 feet tall. Now, I am 5’1, so by this standard I would be taller than average, which would be a first for me. I was taller than average throughout my childhood, but when I reached puberty at a fairly early age, I basically stopped growing—up that is. However, I strongly believe that my height adds to my lower-body strength. I may not have the strongest upper body, but my lower body is quite strong, which I attribute to my low center of gravity. I’m pretty hard to push over if I’m rooted.

I’m stocky.

I’ve been chunky since the later years of my adolescence and throughout my adult life, and my weight in addition to my height make me appropriately stocky and dwarf-like. Gimli had it right when he explained to Legolas that dwarves are natural sprinters and very dangerous over short distances. See, I participated in track when I was in high school, and I was a thrower (and not very good if we are being honest). My coach liked to have extra relay teams to get extra points for our team, even if the second relay team came in last place. I was usually on that second relay team of misfits (misfats really). But on the 100, I was able to at least stay close to the other runners because it was a sprint, and I can sprint! But, alas, these short legs tire out quickly from carrying around my robust figure.

I have a beard.

Thanks to my dark, hairy genes, I have a visible mustache and sprouting beard that I unsuccessfully manage with tweezers and questionable hair removal products. I’ve been teased for my dark mustache my entire life, but as I approach 30 it bothers me less and less. My husband loves me regardless, even though my mustache and beard rival his own, just life a dwarf woman.

I’m reclusive, stubborn, and jealous.

Much like dwarves, I would stay alone in the dark forever if I could, hidden away from the world with the things I treasure most. I’m a natural introvert and feel recharged by solitude. Of course, there are times when I want socialization but usually only with people like me. I am stubborn to a fault and would rather learn something the hard way than do something a certain way because someone else told me I had to do it that way. I’m also very jealous. If anyone so much as looks at my husband with a lingering eye, or if he smiles a bit too brightly at another woman, I feel the monster beginning to rise in my chest. I’m loyal to a fault and expect my people to be as well. Although I hate to admit it, I’m not just jealous in my relationships. Jealousy is possibly my biggest vice.

I’m good with my hands (Get your minds out of the gutter).

From an early age, I would take things apart just so I could put them back together. I truly think I missed my calling as a mechanic of some sort. I have fond memories from my adolescence of building contraptions in my room until the wee hours of the morning. To this day I love crafting and making things with my hands. My most recent exploits have included making steampunk accessories, which I would say have turned out pretty well for my first attempts. Check them out below!

© 2019, Robert Hallowell

There are more points I could make to confirm that, despite my obsession with elves from an early age, I am actually a dwarf. But this seems like a fairly good list for now. And now that I consider all the wonderful elements that bless elves, namely their elegance, grace, height, and beauty, I am quite resentful of them. I am awkward, clumsy, stocky, and plain, but I’d say those things make me a pretty good dwarf. What are your thoughts? Do you think I qualify as a dwarf? What Middle-earth race would you classify yourself as?

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